The Background
There was a brief moment where Elys Sargunar’s F.C. Aubamaschlong, possessor of the league’s – and possibly the world’s – most irresponsible team name – were the talk of the town.
Coming into GW15 F.C. Aubamaschlong sat proudly atop the Classic Grand. The manager was looking sharp, demonstrating an adept touch, spotting the sure-fire points machines early by being one of the first to snag Andy Robertson and Aaron Wan-Bissaka, whilst adding the kind of savvy, left-field picks such as Dale Stephens and Andre Schurrle that define a winning team. Add to that the smart, big money spends such as Alonso and Eriksen, and a willingness to set aside partisan inclinations by putting in the hated Harry Kane, and it was clear that all signs pointed to a shrewd, competitive year for Sargunar.
And what a start he had! Between gameweeks five and fifteen The Schlong had won 10 out of 11 games, at one point notching six in a row, which by the end of the season would stand tied for the second longest winning streak. Yes, it seemed that the sky was the limit.
Then, around midday on Saturday, December 8th, Elys Sargunar, without explanation, vanished from the face of the earth.
The Disappearance
Nobody was entirely sure where he disappeared to. The most obvious clues are tantalising, but shed little light on the mystery.
The record books make only two mentions of F.C. Aubamaschlong, and neither are flattering. The first is his contribution to the heftiest scoreline in Classic Grand history, emerging on the wrong end of a 176 point slog-fest against the league auto-pilot Arkansassy, 101-75. The second is for being Zordon’s personal b*tch, in doing so tying up the ‘worst record against a single opponent’ category. For such a strategic minded and knowledgeable manager, and a team that started with so much promise, this simply does not add up.
So what went wrong?
Strangely enough, it may have been his consistency.
The signs were perhaps already apparent. During those halcyon days where they sat at the summit, and despite all the wins under their belt, The Schlong were yet to achieve a score of over sixty-five, and had only made it past sixty on three occasions. For purposes of comparison that was only one more than managed by Glen Woodbridge’s Oh Canada, who at the time were scrapping away in the basement with as many defeats as The Schlong had victories. In fact, after fifteen games every single team in the league had scored higher than sixty-five in at least one gameweek, yet at the same time only Tom Barklamb’s Barry Fry Up hadn’t scored less than Elys’ lowest total. Elys was keeping his scores incredibly compact, averaging a hair under 53 points per gameweek. So far it had paid off. However it was clear the ice was thin.
It was about to break.
The Search
Three defeats in a row followed. Panic set in. Sargunar’s transfer spend went up, doubling the season’s outgoings in three short weeks. Initially this seemed to do the trick as The Schlong regained some form with four wins out of the next five.
But something had happened. The losses started to mount. In the classic style of his beloved Gunners, the contrast between Elys’ first fifteen games and his last was staggering. After GW23 Elys would win only five more matches. Only once more would he win consecutively. He slid down to fourth in the Classic Grand. Tenth in the World Championship. And then it was over.
So what was it? Did he struggle with injuries to key players? Did he gamble on a bold new strategy and explosively self-destruct? I mean, something must have happened.
Well, not really. Here’s the thing; his average over those last fifteen games was 50.3, only two and-a-half points lower than his first fifteen. By contrast, that same Oh Canada team that had been languishing helplessly early on had seen their average leap from 45.5 across the first fifteen games to 60.6 over the final fifteen. Elys Sargunar was one of only two managers in the entire league whose average over the last fifteen games was lower than that of their first fifteen.
The most telling statistic is this: over the first fifteen games Elys’ average of 52.8 was the second highest in the league. However when it came to the last 15 games, that same average would have been the 3rd worst, ahead of only Arkansassy and The Rat Pack.
So what does this tell us?
The Reveal
Adaptability, rather than consistency, is the name of the game, and Elys’ opponents adapted better and left him in the dust. Whilst others boomed and busted, Elys chuntered along at a smart but unspectacular pace. This consistency accounts for his absence from the record books, as only those who veer manically from the middle of the road end up claiming the end-of-year gongs. As a result you have to peer reeeeeeeeeal hard at the stats to figure out what became of The Schlong.
Elys scored the lowest of the highest gameweek scores, and the third highest of the lowest. He never left many points on the bench (second lowest), and he wasn’t afraid to spend (second highest). He was pretty good at keeping clean sheets (3rd highest), not great at picking a captain (3rd lowest).
And that, really, is about it.
F.C. Aubamaschlong, after so much early promise, ended up occupying a middle ground so uninteresting that it was practically invisible, like John Major, or Last of the Summer Wine. It’s almost laudable. Elys was the marathon runner that entered the 10,000 metres, eyes straight ahead, pace steady, unyielding, determined, but getting ready for a final push whilst the others have already collected their medals and gone home.
His focus is impressive. But he’ll need to take some risks if he’s to make a mark next season, and if he can the league should be worried. He’s got the know-how. If he keeps the consistency, but ups the pace at the right time, he’ll be a handful, no doubt about it.
Just … please … pick a different team name.
For the children.
Lush Gutters 