Lush Gutters

Yesterday, at 6pm GMT, 7pm in Berlin, 1pm in Georgia, and 10am in Arizona, history was being made.

ProMax moved into the future. Seven intrepid pioneers took part in the first ever Royal Draft, and the stakes couldn’t be higher. In this league, each Premier League player can be owned by only one manager. Destinies hinge on who gets dibs. Everything is uncertain: we all imagine Mo will go first but after that… do you go for Son or KdB? Kane or Haaland? Trent or Jesus? And then what? When do you start picking a keeper? The possibilities are daunting.

Of course you’ve planned for this. You’ve made a list. It’s a useful list.

Yeah, I have some bad news, your list doesn’t mean shit. The first pick is the only one that is made in a state of anything other than hurried confusion. From this point on you will be commanded by one thought, and one thought alone.

“Shit, who’s left?!”

Before you even know where you are you find yourself scanning a rapidly dwindling list of available players as the timer ticks down a lightning fast 60 seconds. The manager before you just nicked the lad you had your eye on. Now you’re picking a maybe from a list of maybes. How are you supposed to know who’ll get more points between Charlie Adams and Danny f**king Welbeck?! You have twenty seconds left…

And then it’s over. You look at this Frankenstein’s monster of a team – a team that looks nothing like that killer outfit you put together in your mind – and see the big picture for the first time.

Okay, what am I working with here?

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FC Dodge (Max Selby) – ProMax Royal Draft Team

GK – David de Gea (MUN) – Not exactly ideal. In truth I was caught absolutely on the back foot when it came to keepers. It was like a game of spoons; once someone grabbed Ederson it became a free-for-all. In the blink of an eye Allison, Mendy, Pope, and Ramsdale were gone too. I didn’t so much choose De Gea as end up with him. However, he was one of only three players (the others being Ronaldo and Fred) who didn’t embarrass themselves in a United shirt last season. The man makes saves, and was still the 7th highest scoring keeper in what is, let’s face it, not the most significant position on the pitch in FPL. He’ll likely be just okay, and who knows, Ten Hag might whip ’em into shape. I’m not wildly optimistic, though. I suppose he’ll do. Rating: 6/10

GK – Lukas Fabianski (WHU) – There are enough keepers to go round that everyone was gonna end up with two starters, and I’ve bagged a good one. West Ham are in great nick at the moment, and Fabianski loves a penalty save. By last season’s end there were only four points between him and his United counterpart, so it’s going to be torture picking between him and De Gea each week. In any case I’m baffled and thrilled that the fifth highest-scoring keeper was the fourteenth one to go. He’s mine now. Rating: 7.5/10

DF – Ivan Perisic (TOT) – I’m happy with this. Ivan Perisic is a player that has been in almost every one of my regular Fantasy drafts, so clearly I’m into him. He’s determined, he gets forward, and Spurs are operating in a high gear under Antonio Conte. It could’ve been better: with Jessi unceremoniously swiping Trent and Cancelo with his first and second picks respectively, there was something of an early rush on premium defenders. Robertson and James went immediately afterwards, so I was quite grateful to snag any potential high-yield, top-four wing back. He had lots of fun with Conte at Inter, and has a great opener at home against Southampton in which to get his eye in. A week ago my resolve started to waver and I found myself sneaking a look at the Tottenham vs Roma pre-season friendly. Spurs lost 1-0, but Perisic looked busy around the opposition box.

He is new to the league, mind. Also, at 33 he’s a bit old, and his risk of rotation only increases further if he appears much in Tottenham’s return to Champions League football. Ideally I’d have been happier if he was my 2nd DF pick behind a bigger name, but overall he’s proven quality, and with him being one of only two players I have in all three ProMax leagues, I hope to adopt him as one of my key guys. Rating: A cautiously optimistic 8/10

DF – Ben Chilwell (CHE) – Who f**king knows? Chilwell blew white hot at the start of the last campaign, only to push the Ben Chilwell button and crap out with a season-ending knee-injury that required surgery. Some pundits have tipped him to come back with a bang for what is a very lush-looking early season fixture list for the Blues. Yet who knows if he’ll produce, and for how long. He’s certainly capable. With a World Cup on the horizon he’ll be hoping to impress Southgate. Will he stay fit?

Maybe. I dunno, the more I think about it the more I feel this is a coin-toss. And what’s worse, Chelsea have just splashed out big for Brighton’s Marc Cucarella, one of the shining stars of last year. How is Tuchel going to make room for them both? I dunno, the potential’s there but I’m not so sure about this one. Rating: 5/10

DF – Oleksandr Zinchenko (ARS) – Now we’re talking. I’m really happy to have this fella! He was always going to be a useful asset, Arsenal have looked thunderous in pre-season, and Zinchenko is a lively and forward-thinking wingback who knows Arteta well. One would imagine he’d take the LB starting berth away from the injury-prone Tierney, and with such a pleasant looking early season fixture list the Gunners look set to make a fast start. I expect a few Zinchenko cut backs for tap ins. Fingers crossed Arteta can keep the pace going. Rating: 8/10

DF – Gabriel (ARS) – Another result! How he was still available at the time I snagged him I have no idea – he was, after all, the eight-highest scoring defender in the league last season. You know he’s gonna start, he’s a threat from corners, and if Arsenal get into gear a Gunners defensive double up might not be so crazy. They haven’t conceded many during pre-season. He’s no wing back, but for a fourth pick defender he’s a massive coup. Rating: 8.5/10

DF – Lisandro Martinez (MUN) – I could have done better. For the last decade United have made a habit of attracting big name managers who promise the world and deliver nothing but disappointment. Long gone are the endless clean sheets of the Ferdinand and Vidic era. Martinez will be competing for a spot alongside Harry Maguire.

Martinez is short also for a defender, too, so I don’t expect him to emulate Gabriel and sneak a handful of headed set-piece goals. He might have worked well with Ten Hag at Ajax, mind, but six points sort of feels like the upper limit to any likely gameweek returns. For 50mil, though, you’d hope he’d be a regular starter. Having a XV full of starters might end up being very useful indeed. I dunno, I feel like I’m clutching at straws. Rating: 4/10

MF – Mo Salah (LIV) – Boom, I got first pick!! And it’s an easy one, really, Mo looked feisty in the Community Shield, takes the penalties, doesn’t have a World Cup to distract him, no longer has to worry about passing to Mane, and is one of the highest scoring FPL assets of all time. It wasn’t even hard. As soon as I saw I was first up I clicked on Mo so hard that somewhere in Merseyside the man himself probably felt a weird tingle. Salah could very well win me the Royal Draft. Rating: 10/10.

MF – James Maddison (LEI … for now …) I got mah BOI! Good grief, I was happy to see him still free! J Madz was the fifth highest scoring midfielder in the FPL last year, and with Brendan Rogers finally having a fully-fit squad to choose from it could be a good time to have him. Leicester can blow hot and cold but they always pose a threat, and of course the Foxes have no European commitments clogging up an already overflowing fixture list. Plus, he’s on free kicks and corners, and we all know he can score from free-play too. He could be my hero.

There is, however, one complication. Eddie Howe wants the lad. Rogers is insisting that Maddison, who’ll want to impress Southgate and sneak onto that flight to Qatar, is not for sale. Yet mountains of Saudi petro-dollars are usually very persuasive. Will he stay or will he go? Will any of this be a distraction? If he leaves, will he fit in on Tyneside?

Nah, no worries on this end, man, I can’t help but love him. He’s mah boi. He’ll come good. God, I love me some J Madz. Rating: 9.5/10

MF – Mason Mount (CHE) – Mount was the seventh highest-scoring midfielder in the FPL last season, so for him to still be available for my third MF slot felt like a huge result. He’s on corners and free-kicks, and if Jorginho’s off the field he’s next up for spot kicks.

Yet we’ve all been burned by Mount in the past; he seems to produce in fits and starts, and is sometimes randomly left out as Tuchel navigates his European responsibilities. Chelsea’s team, flush with new recruits, could take time to settle. However, the man is a consistent high-performer, and it’s hard to see him not playing a major part for a team pushing for the top four and beyond. Rating: 8/10

MF – Philippe Coutinho (AVL) – Could be very useful. Gerrard’s had a full pre-season with Villa. He’ll take the odd free-kick. His fixtures look good. He had a good, albeit patchy go of it after arriving at Villa Park back in January, but did end the season pretty strongly. He’s got no European commitments. Yeah, go on then, count me in! Rating: 7.5/10

MF – Bernardo Silva (MCI) – And with the last MF pick, I manage to sneak into that City midfield! Sure, it feels like he lacks the pizzazz of a KdB, Mahrez, or Foden, but it wasn’t that long ago that Bernardo was the name on everyone’s lips. Pep likes him, he gets game time, and if you’re part of the goal-machine that is the Man City midfield the points will come. Last season he was the second-highest scoring of Pep’s title-winning midfield, the tenth best for his position in the FPL overall. And I got him with my final MF pick. Fuck it, some poor soul ended up with Ruben Loftus-Cheek.

Yeah, this was an absolute steal. Rating: 9/10

FW – Cristiano Ronaldo (MUN) – A huge gamble, and my biggest concern. Last season, Ronaldo was the third highest scoring FPL forward, but right now things look grim. He wants out. He missed most of pre-season. He left the stadium at half time in United’s last friendly, earning a rebuke from the new gaffer. It’s clear he feels let down by his colleagues, and the club that sold him a fairytale. He’d never have even considered a move to Old Trafford had United not been able to entice him with Champions League football. It is, after all, where he belongs. Yet a year later, and despite his best efforts, he now has to contemplate debasing himself amid the comparative squalor of the UEFA Europa League. This is beneath him, and everybody knows it. Even with his ludicrous talent, at thirty-seven he knows his midweek nights on the grandest stage are dwindling. It will be killing him to miss out.

The sitation might, however, lay outside the boundaries of even his prodigious influence. He has a year left on his contract, so someone will have to get their wallet out for him, and there aren’t many clubs that have enough cash to afford him, enough prestige to attract him, and enough strategic flexibility to accommodate him without an 11th-hour tactical overhaul. So he very well could end up staying, and he’s unlikely to pull a Tevez-style tantrum and content himself by pouting on the bench. He’s still going to want the cameras on him, and it’s worth pointing out that despite a dreadful campaign for the Red Devils, and despite missing the first three games of the season, and despite being less than three years shy of forty, he was still 2021/22s third-highest goalscorer in the best league in the world. He got more than Harry Kane.

I’m nervous, but I’d rather have him than not have him. Rating 7/10

FW – Kai Havertz (CHE) – Clearly I’m going to need a good season from the Blues. Havertz is my third Chelsea lad, so fingers crossed Tuchel can get this team in gear. With Lukaku gone and Werner on the way out, Havertz is all set to be the focal point of a Blues attack that can boast the creativity of Mount, the cut and thrust of Sterling, and the relentless menace of wingbacks Reece James and Chilwell/Cucarella. Though he can be an inconsistent soul there’s definitely points to be had, and since there’s not a heap of difference among the forwards once Kane, Jesus, and Haaland are gone, it’s hard not to be too upset with the likely first choice attacker at a team with title-aspirations. Rating: 8/10

FW – Gianluca Scamacca (WHU) – Who the f**k is this guy? Look, by this point in the draft we were among the absolute nobodies, and I noticed this guy’s name on a BBC article the other day, something about a 35mil swap to West Ham. Now I’d never heard of this guy before, but West Ham are good these days, and besides, it was him or, I dunno, Maupay, or Mbuemo, and I thought… once you’re picking from a fairly mundane bunch suddenly an unknown quantity seems kind of appealing. Hopefully Moyes’ll find room for him. Honestly, this pick feels like it hardly matters. Rating: 5/10

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And that’s it! All in all I’m pretty chuffed. My defence is a clear vulnerability; Perisic is a Premier League newbie and fairly long in the tooth for his position, Chilwell is at risk of injury or losing his place to Cucarella, and Martinez feels like an uninspired pick. There are huge question marks over my forwards, but there weren’t exactly many that stood out in the first place. The real strength here is the midfield, which might be the strongest in the ProMax Royal Draft. I got Mo, which feels massive, and in him, J Madz, Mount, and Bernardo, I somehow managed to wangle four of last season’s top ten midfielders. Overall my team’s worth 104.5mil. That tells a reassuring story.

Overall confidence rating: 8/10

So there you have it, those are my guys, and I’ll have to get used to them. In the draft, there are no easy fixes. If your big name star gets hurt … good luck replacing him! There’ll be laughter and tears, chicanery and shithousery, triumph and disaster.

There will be six losers, and one champion.

And I think that champion will be me.