Lush Gutters

There was a point, not two or three weeks ago, where I wasn’t all that fussed about the new season.

Every leap year the average football fan is given not a single moment to miss the sport. The domestic football calendar bleeds within weeks into the European Championships, which itself is barely over before the Olympics kicks into gear. By the time the final whistle concluded the gold medal match last Friday at the tail end of Paris 2024, we were just a single week away from the beginning of the new Premier League season.

Fortunately, nobody gives a f**k about Olympic football, so all it took was the 3rd annual ProMax Royal draft to make me realise that, actually, I’m a lot hungier than I thought!

Yes, indeed it is that time of year again, and this season looks set to be the most competitive year ever. With only four competing teams, the spread of high-end talent is a lot more even. This overall strength will surely also test the nerve of each gaffer, as stronger squads make for riskier transfers. Who’ll have the nerve to give an elite but underperforming player the boot? Will this lead to more trading? Or will each manager find the free agent market sufficient to cover the holes?

With all teams boasting such high-calibre talent, one must imagine that the title won’t be settled til the last dying gasps of the season.

With all that in mind, let’s see how each manager is shaping up!

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Pickled Ricks – Jessi Parker

Jessi Parker, as is his custom, has blown hot and cold over the previous two seasons of the ProMax Royal Draft. Lady Luck certainly hasn’t helped; Jessi has been the last to pick for all three drafts so far. Nevertheless, he has managed to scrounge together an interesting side that could pack a sizeable wallop, but could just as easily fall flat on its arse.

For starters, despite going dead last, Jessi has snatched up two of last season’s top three overall points scorers. Cole Palmer – top scorer in FPL last season – will be looking to kick on after his outrageous breakout campaign, and, desite going all the way to the European Championship final over the summer, he didn’t play many minutes in Germany, and could be ready to go from day one. Chelsea’s kind fixtures after GW1 lifts his appeal even further.

Ollie Watkins is Jessi’s other major coup, and whilst the Villa man was also away on international duty lately, he too didn’t feature often, and could be in the mood come Saturday. Villa have a kind start to boot, with six of their first nine games registering a two on the Fixture Difficulty Rating. One potential snag is Villa’s participation in Champions League football starting mid-September; the competition is pretty rough on new entrants (as European-football-less Newcastle were reminded of last season) and whilst Emery is a proven force in elite continental tournaments, it remains to be seen whether Villa’s overall squad depth is sufficient to maintain standards across all competitions this year, especially after such a busy summer.

In Gvardiol, Gabriel, Pedro Porro, Munoz, and Robertson Jessi boasts a defence with outrageous attacking potential. With clean sheets seemingly a thing of the past, this could be the bedrock on which any title challenge could be launched.

Parker’s team is rounded out with recent FPL heavyweights in the form of Bryan Mbeumo and Jarrod Bowen, as well as reliable operators such as Gibbs-White and David Raya. Dependable, if not the creme de la creme.

In fact, there aren’t many weak links here to speak of. Jean-Philippe Mateta – once he’s rested after his exertions in the Olympics – could be a gem if he continues his recent white hot form, and Kai Havertz, despite some confusion over where he’ll line up for Arsenal this year, has been impressive in pre-season. Only obvious gamble Emile Smith-Rowe, and backup keeper Andre Onana have any meaningful question marks over them at all.

All in all this is a balanced and powerful team that could prove a mighty handful. If Emery can look after Watkins, and Havertz finds a home in the Gunners’ forward line, Jessi could be an early front-runner this year. Emphasis on could.

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Farkelona B – Nial ‘The Power’ Taylor

I don’t want this to sound mean, but across six years – and three disciplines – of FPL competition, Nial has been absolute dogsh*t.

Historically, Nial has been as threatening to his fellow managers as a handful of clementines. What’s most baffling is that, according to the FPL website, he’s been playing for longer than any other gaffer, completing his first full season in 2011/12. Since then he appears to have learned exactly nothing, and in the ProMax era has barely ever troubled the top half, let alone challenge for the title.

This barren stretch, however, could be coming to end, as Nial has managed to finagle an ungodly midfield trio of Bukayo Saka, Phil Foden, and Son Heung-Min – respectively, last season’s second, third, and fourth highest-scoring midfielders. There is the modest likelihood of a slow start, with Foden and Saka only recent returners to their clubs after featuring heavily in Euro 2024. Son, meanwhile, is fresh as a daisy, and when all three are up and running they could be provide nuclear-energy in Farkelona’s engine room. Luis Diaz and Alejandro Garnacho are no slouches either. If these two can find and maintain form of which we very much know they’re capable, Nial’s midfield really might not be interested in f**king around.

Nevertheless, in order to possess such a stacked midfield sacrifices have been made. A front two of Ivan Toney and Dominic Solanke are perfectly good options from what are admittedly slim pickings in the forwards department. After finishing the season rather tamely – and doing nowt more than appear for the odd cameo at the Euros – I’m unconvinved the Brentford man is set to explode out of the blocks. He surely thought he’d have moved to a bigger club by now, like his partner Solanke, who’s gonna need to gel quickly with the rest of the Spurs forward line if Taylor wants to see returns from the former Bournemouth star.

To round off his strikers Nial has gambled on West Ham’s new signing Niclas Fullkrug. Unproven in the Premier League, Fullkrug is the latest to come through the revolving door of Hammers forwards. Will this one be the one? With Moyes out and Julen Lopetegui in, perhaps Fullkrug can buck the trend.

Eventually Nial remembered he also needed to draft defenders. Jurrien Timber is a conundrum for Arteta, and how much game time he’ll see is at this stage a mystery. Tryick Mitchell is a trustworthy selection, as it Marc Guehi, but doubling up on Palace assets is a risky bet with the departure of Michael Olise and potentially also Joachim Andersen. Elsewhere, Ian Maatsen is fresh out of the box at Villa, and whilst Manual Akanji provides a route into that tasty Man City defence, as with any Guardiola team you’re at the absolute mercy of Pep Roulette.

Allison Becker and Martinez are both solid enough keepers, but with only four competing teams, no goalie is going to make or break a season. Saying that, with goalkeepers bagging ten points for a goal this season, perhaps Allison hasn’t just been picked for his clean-sheet potential.

You would imagine with that dangerous midfield nucleus that Nial should find a good chunk of points rolling in fairly consistently. But will the rest of the team be able to provide the extras necessary to mount a title challenge? An injury to Son, Saka, or Foden, and it could be curtains.

Nial has the cherry, but does he have the rest of the cake?

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Tactical Chunder – Scott Worthington

Scott, as ever, has chosen to do things his own way.

Proud owner of pick number one, Scotty surprised everyone by making the most sensible decision, and so it is he who will get to enjoy the services of a certain Erling Haaland this season. This alone won’t be enough to deliver him the title, but in both previous seasons of the ProMax Royal Draft, the team with the Norwegian colossus was top at the halfway stage.

Indeed, then, if Scott can field an even semi-decent outfit to back up the Norwegian, he should be in contention. Alas, two of them – Julian Alvarez and Jaoa Cancelo – will almost certainly struggle for game time this season, what with the minor inconvenience of living and working in Spain.

However, Scott possesses some potential title-winning talent in midfield. In Kevin de Bruyne, Scott owns true Premier League royalty, and the thought of that mouth-watering Belgium-to-Norway route should have the rat dreaming of haul after haul. In these two, Scott could be sitting on a winning lottery ticket.

The scooping up of Eberechi Eze and Martin Odegaard also looks like fantastic business for the unfortunately named ‘Tactical Chunder’, adding even more dead-ball operators to a team already bursting with them. If Trippier stays at Newcastle, Scott could end up mounting a title challenge from set-pieces alone.

Continuing the theme, big Virgil van Dijk acts as the lynchpin of Scott’s defence, joined by last season’s top scoring defender Ben White, and last season’s top scoring keeper Jordan Pickford.

Some potential weaknesses do exist: Mitoma was a top pick at the start of last season, but his star waned after an underwhelming campaign. The same could also definitely be said of James Maddison. And whilst Marcos Senesi was a popular budget defender last season, the strongest likelihood is still that he’ll be transfer fodder a few gameweeks in.

You would imagine the Rat King will be pretty happy with his days work today. He probably won’t be too annoyed with himself for throwing two draft picks down the loo: with plenty of quality among the free agents, Scott is just a couple of routine waivers away from fielding absolute rock of a team.

However, you can never – ever! – bet against Scott doing something mind-alteringly daft. To win the league, he’s going to need to defeat not just his opposing managers, but also his own dumb ass.

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Max Selby Industries – Max Selby

Right here. Right here is your winning team.

Reigning champion and all-round FPL legend Max Selby has assiduously compiled a team for the ages. With dazzling insight, and unmitigated genius, Selby has once again wowed the footballing world with a XV that can be described as nothing short of unstoppable.

… alright, bias aside, this is a good side with enormous potential – but is riddled with risks.

We begin with the much coveted Mo Salah, which Selby snaffled with the second overall draft pick. We all know what this bona fide Premier League legend is capable of, yet this will be the first time we see him play for a Klopp-less Liverpool. Word on the street is it’ll be his last season at Anfield. He could go out in a blaze of glory. Yet the idea of a patchy Liverpool blowing hot and cold as it adjusts to new management is hardly implausible, and Mo ain’t gettin’ any younger. Throw in a couple of penalty misses – which he’s no stranger to – and the Egyptian could easily go from asset to liability. Yes, this is pessimistic, but that’s what football does to you.

All the aforementioned could similarly upset the endeavours of Trent Alexander-Arnold and Diogo Jota. It’ll be interesting to see how quickly Trent will adjust to an anticipated move into midfield, whilst similar question marks hang over the number of minutes a historically injury-prone Jota will see as he battles with Gakpo, Nunez, and Diaz for a place alongside Mo in Arne Slot’s forward line. If things click, Selby could soar. But if Liverpool are known for anything, it’s their unpredictability.

Elsewhere, Max has amassed a legion of premium assets. Bruno Fernandes is a proven commodity, and looked sharp for a sprightly United side in the narrow Community Shield defeat to their city rivals. Along with Salah, Bruno adds another top-seven penalty-taker to the team, the third being Alexander Isak, who ended last season as one of the league’s most potent attacking talents. He’s joined by teammate Anthony Gordon, who enjoyed a similarly productive season last year with a Newcastle side who struggled with European obligations. This, of course, is not an issue for Eddie Howe this year.

Completing a very tasty-looking midfield is a definite gamble: Christopher Nkunku. After arriving at Stamford Bridge in the summer of 2023 to huge fanfare, the Frenchman promptly knackered his knee ligaments (and then his hammy) and racked up only four-hundred minutes all season. However, no other Chelsea player has played more in pre-season than Nkunku, during which time he’s featured in multiple positions and enjoyed multiple goal involvements. If he stays fit, he looks like a key piece of Maresca’s Chelsea, who also see a lovely run of fixtures once the reigning champs have left town after GW1.

And mate, come on, just look at that defence! You got Trent (f**kin’ …. Trent!); last season’s second highest scoring defender William Saliba; his new left-back partner at the Emirates Riccardo Calafiori; Toon Army rocks Fabian Schar and Nick Pope; the goalkeeper for the reigning champs and perennial assist-merchant Ederson; and Tottenham’s constant goal-threat Cristian Romero. Max Selby Industries surely boasts the second best defensive line-up after Jessi Parker’s Pickled Ricks.

Of course, no squad is watertight, and Chris Wood and Rodrigo Muniz aren’t what I would call the sexiest of attacking options. But both enjoy a fantastic early set of fixtures, and both had some terrific patches of form in the second half of last season. Should these guys start with a bang, I foresee much agony in the form of points left on the bench.

Ah yes, the bench. In truth, the bench could easily be Selby’s undoing. A successful launch of his 2024/25 season relies very heavily on good starts for Liverpool and Newcastle specifically. If either one stumbles, and the points rack up among the unused subs, expect things to get very frustrating very quickly for the reigning ProMax Royal Draft champion.

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Verdict

This is shaping up to be a very tight season indeed.

I am not in the predictions game, but plenty of times in my life I’ve been forced to play games when I didn’t want to, so fine, I’ll do it. Just this once:

Champion: Max Selby Industries (Max Selby)

2nd place: Tactical Chunder (Scott Worthington)

3rd place: Farkelona B (Nial Taylor)

4th place: Pickled Ricks (Jessi Parker)

Hear me out.

Over the last six years, Max Selby has made a habit out of collecting silverware. His two finishes in the ProMax Royal Draft were 2nd and first. In fourteen seperate seasons across all three ProMax formats (the World Championship, Royal Draft, and the f**king slot-machine that is the Classic Grand) in only three – three!! – has Selby not been involved in the title-chase. He is the Real Madrid of the FPL.

He remains his own worst enemy in the draft, often getting carried away in the transfer market, but fortune has always favoured doers, and so I foresee more success for the plucky, young, devastatingly handsome Englishman. Hey, I’m just going with the data. No complaining.

Scott has Haaland and KdB, and I feel like that alone will see him push for the title. Scott has gone from the league’s laughing stock to a proven trophy-winner over the course of the last few seasons, and if he keeps his head he could prove troublesome. However, I don’t think he’s gonna keep his head. That’s why he finishes 2nd.

Nial‘s engine room will see him storm into an early-season lead, but injuries and questionable transfers will end his challenge before the finish line comes into view. It will be more mediocrity for him. It is the way of the universe. Embrace it.

As per tradition, Jessi will be hit by some mind-boggling and enduringly hilarious misfortune every time he looks set to get back into the chase. I mean pianos falling from the sky sorta sh*t. His best player will break a knee playing Hungry, Hungry Hippos or something. It’ll be beautiful.

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Anyway that’s my story and I’m sticking to it! As I contemplate the possibilities, the certainty of surpise, the knowledge of approaching agony and ecstacy, I find the excitement returning. Once again, I cannot wait.

The new season of the ProMax Royal Draft starts in five more sleeps.

Brace yourselves.