Well, I had a lovely weekend!
Being top after gameweek one is about as noteworthy as being the fastest out of your mates to count to twenty. It means absolutely nothing and nobody cares.
However, it’s me who’s top, and it’s my blog, so I’m now going to declare myself a genius because I (the reigning champ) am (joint) top of the ProMax Royal Draft after a thoroughly fulfilling opening weekend of Premier League action.
Let’s get into it.
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Gameweek 1 full-time scores
I hadn’t noticed at first, but on closer inspection these feel about as predictable a group of Premier League fixtures as you’re ever likely to get. I mean it, there’s not a single shock to be found! Not even a teensy lil’ tremor! Let’s reel ’em off: straightforward wins for Arsenal, Liverpool, Manchester City, Newcastle, and Villa; a ropey-lookin’ Manchester United snatch a late winner at Old Trafford; Everton look shite; Brighton do their Brazil impression; Spurs destroy weaker opposition and yet somehow don’t win; Brentford overperform, Palace underperform, and West Ham lose at home. I swear, these are the Premier League’s default settings.
The only surprising thing about this set of fixtures is the resurrection of the clean sheet after its apparent demise last season. Six sides registered shutouts – including five of the so-called ‘Top Seven’ (if we’re including Newcastle nowadays) – meaning there were plenty of points on offer for managers who invested in those premium backline picks.
But as for results, it was an uncommonly forecastable weekend. So surely this means that our plucky managers won’t have had any trouble at all in guessing which players would make a mark on the opening weekend, right?
Well…
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Nial Shits the Bed
Farkelona B – 35 points
Nial, what the actual f**k is that?
I commented last week on how Nial sacrificed a half-decent defence in order to procure the services of a thoroughly world-class midfield. If GW1 is anything to go by, this appears to have been a tragic and colossal mistake.
What didn’t help was that Nial’s 3rd sub – Manuel Akanji – netted as many points as his four other defenders combined. Out of the points that did count, Allison’s haul didn’t move the needle much; Raya, Ederson, and Pope not only also notched clean sheets, but all got more bonus points to boot.
To be fair, it’s not all doom and gloom. Firstly, in Bukayo Saka, Nial possesses pure gold. Easily one of the most likeable superstars to ever grace the Premier League, Saka is also pretty much guaranteed points. The lad featured heavily in England’s path to the European Championship finals, barely played in pre-season, and yet shows up on the first day and bags a goal, assist, clean sheet, and two bonus. Don’t trust a soul who doesn’t appreciate this man.
Secondly, Nial appears to have avoided any injuries, which is always nice. Aside from that, though, this was a chastening start to the campaign. General rule: if an entire half of your outfielders don’t find a place in the starting XI, you’re gonna have a bad time.
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Scott’s Slim Pickin’s
Tactical Chunder – 41 points
An absolute mixed bag for Scott, as is his custom. Utterly unsurprisingly, there are a couple of zeroes here, and the decision to go with Pickford seems laughable in hindsight. Yet there are danger signs here that suggest Scott could kick on solidly from here.
Firstly, Haaland is already proving his worth, and with Ipswich visiting the Etihad next week Scott will be salivating. You would imagine De Bruyne will start to purr soon, and when he does… ooh boy. With White, VVD, Mitoma, and Maddison all seeing returns (and Eze extremely unlucky not to be among them after a scandalously early whistle ruled out what would have been a worldie of a free kick vs Brentford) Scott can be feeling pretty good despite sitting in third.
Lord Ratticus certainly has headaches in the form of Gabriel Jesus and Keiran Trippier. The former only came on for the last five minutes of Arsenal’s opener and is at risk of losing out to Kai Havertz for the top spot spearheading the Gunners’ attack. As for the latter, rumours abound that Trippier’s days at St James’ Park may be numbered. Livramento’s selection over the England star only fanned the flames of speculation.
Scotty has holes to plug, but not below the waterline. Its been a smooth enough launch for Tactical Chunder. Expect them to start steaming soon.
Selby’s Solid Start
Max Selby Industries – 65 points
Fabian, Fabian, Fabian. You dumb motherf**ker.
A gentle nuzzle of Ben Brereton-Diaz’s forehead was a misguided thing to do in this day and age. You didn’t need to do it. And thanks to you I’m not top.
Nevertheless, it was an all-round top quality performance from Max Selby Industries. Points at the back, points in midfield, points up top, nothing squandered on the bench… just the sort of start that gives you a pep in yer step. And boy am I feelin’ peppy! Wanna know why?
Cos I’ve got Mo!
God bless that beautiful, beautiful man. I had Mo in my first season of the ProMax Royal Draft and he did me proud. I missed him last year, but now he’s back, and look! He’s brought gifts! Mo, you shouldn’t have!!
Aside from the matter of what to do with Schar, there aren’t many downsides apparent: Trent could’ve had a couple of assists at Ipswich, and Gordon and Isak didn’t get much of a chance to shine once Schar was shown red. But in truth the sun’s shining pretty brightly on manager Max Selby. And you know what happens when Max Selby gets a good start. The title staying in Arizona is still the biggest statistical likelihood.
However, there remains a saviour…
Jessi’s Also Solid Start
Pickled Ricks – 65 points
Look at that backline! Just look at it!
The absolute f**king balls on it!!
It was always likely to happen, I just didn’t know it would pay off so handsomely so soon! Jessi’s defence and goalkeeper alone netted more points than Nial’s entire team. Heck, on that platform Jessi only needs a couple of other players to return and he’s likely to notch among the highest scores of the gameweek.
The two players that chipped in this week could be about to pay massive dividends in the long run: if Ivan Toney does bid cheerio to the Gtech (which, at the time of writing, seems more likely than not) then Bryan Mbeumo would immediately be back on the penalty duties he enjoyed last season while the England striker was seeing out his suspension for gambling offences. And the more Kai Havertz impresses in that centre-forward role for Arsenal, the more we’re likely to see him get the nod over Gabriel Jesus in that coveted number nine role.
You’d also back the players that did blank to come good very soon. We’re talking Watkins, who’ll be back in shape in time for a lovely run of games from GW3 onwards; Palmer, for whom you can say quite literally the same thing; and the consistently excellent Jarrod Bowen. The new Hammers captain does have some rough fixtures coming up, but with Forest’s Gibbs-White also looking at some tasty games ahead, Jessi has an abundance of rotation options at his disposal.
The knock to Pedro Porro will annoy him, for sure, but reports are it’s nothing serious, and one can imagine Jessi selecting from a full deck come Saturday. In fact, this overall squad depth could provide a more serious conundrum for Jessi than injuries ever could; after all, with Munoz and Mateta at home against a West Ham nursing wounds from an opening day home defeat, and Emile Smith-Rowe’s Fulham up against newly-promoted opposition at Craven Cottage, Jessi will have a serious puzzle to solve when it comes to posting a starting XI.
As annoying as that may be, it’s certainly one of the best problems to have in fantasy football. Jessi looks set to be an early pace-setter.
Either that or he’ll leave all his points on the bench. Which would be funny.
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All that means, the league – after GW1 – looks like this:
The table, at this stage of the season, is recorded solely for posterity. It can – by itself, at least – tell us barely a thing about how the season may play out from here. But let us bask in its innocence; what we’re really seeing are the actors taking their places.
The stories are all about to be written. All past is prologue. Will Nial finally show the world that he is not some fumbling also-ran making up the numbers? Will Scott rediscover his 2022/23 mojo and build on a solid start to make a claim for summit? Will Jessi’s ragtag band of misfits and weirdos see him to glory? Or will Selby do what Selby does and stroll serenely to yet another championship title?
Stay tuned. There’s a long road ahead.
Lush Gutters 